The morning of July 12th was a quiet one, until at about 9:30 A.M., a bridge collapsed in Hamilton, Ohio, taking cars down into the Ohio River and holding up traffic for miles. The bridge collapsed after a 4,287 pound man (1948.64 Kg) by the name of George Burns entered the bridge. No reports have been received yet providing answers about why this man was walking out on to the bridge, but it would appear he is clinging to the side of a downed piece of the bridge while awaiting rescue. According to investigators, the bridge had not been thoroughly inspected the last few times and a serious flaw concerning overall bridge stability had been overlooked. The likelihood, however, that this one flaw become a problem was highly unlikely, that is until a man of this size tipped the scales in his favor. Officials are calling this the strangest bridge failure they have ever witnessed.
Updates will be made available as they are received.
UPDATE:
While rescue efforts continue, the obese man was taken to a warehouse near the Fort Hamilton Hospital via helicopter where he was treated for minor injuries, including a broken leg and a few scratches. Considering the height he dropped from as well as the bridge collapsing around him, George is a very lucky man to be alive at all. However it has been discovered that 7 people have been found dead so far, and even more injured. Rescue teams are trying to get to people trapped in their cars at the bottom of the river.
FAWX News Reporter, James Baggerson, was able to get an interview with George Burns when he had recovered from the fall and had confirmed that he wished to speak with us. As we entered the warehouse we noticed that it was mostly empty except for some crates in a corner and the medical equipment that had been brought out for Mr. Burns sake. Upon entering the curtains which gave George his privacy, it was apparent that he was very distraught.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Burns. I hope you're feeling alright after what you've been through." I tried to express my concern and sympathy for this broken soul without addressing what I was the most sympathetic about.
"Thanks, let me just say how sorry I am for all of this. I didn't mean to cause that bridge to break or anybody to get hurt like this, this is just a nightmare." The regret seemed real, but now was the time to find out what he had been doing up there.
"One of the biggest questions that everyone has been asking is why were you on the bridge? What were you going to do up there?"
He looked away from me for a second as he gathered his words. "Believe it or not, I was actually going to end it all. I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself and hit the water. But when I was doing my warm up jumps I felt something shift," his voice started to crack, "and the next thing I knew I was falling but it sounded like a earthquake. I heard tires screeching and they were blowing their horns and everything but it was just too late." The tears in his eyes were welling up and he was sniffing more frequently at this point. "I saw the road had came down near me so I grabbed and held on, that was all I could do."
"What caused you to want to commit suicide?" I asked, as I motioned for our producer to hand him a box of tissues to which he just kind of stared at me as if it wasn't his job to get him a single thing. He also happens to be an atheist. Just saying.
"My wife left me and my kids hate me, I didn't have anybody around to take care of me. I can't move real easy so I need someone around. I was alone and they don't care, nobody cares. So I thought I would do everyone a favor. I eat a lot when I see beautiful thin people on TV, and I watch a whole lot of TV." He paused for a second, sniffled once and then continued. "Do you know if they're going to bring a TV in here?"
"Ha-ha, no I sure don't. Sorry about that. So you're saying that the liberal media and its glorification of what it thinks constitutes physical beauty causes your depression and triggers these dangerous eating habits?"
"Yep, that sounds about right. None of this would have happened if people just loved me for me, I have a beautiful soul it's just nobody cares but that's what really matters."
"I agree with you entirely, George." I stated in a very solemn tone. He seemed a little comforted to know that there were people out there who understood that true beauty was on the inside. Deep inside. "Is there anything you'd like to say to the families of those who have a loved one or loved ones that have been involved in this tragic accident?"
"Just know that I'm really sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen. I'm praying for you all and I've found new meaning to my life." Perhaps some good had come from this whole incident after all. Before leaving we advised the staff taking care of George to keep him away from TV and warned them about its satanic influence.
The state of Ohio is currently pressing charges, ranging from terrorism to crimes against humanity for attempting to start a tidal wave engulfing all of Ohio. Updates on the rescue efforts will be posted as they are received. This has been James Baggerson reporting.
No comments:
Post a Comment