Saturday, 24 September 2011

Brain Removal takes Nation by Storm

The St. Haman hospital on Notesford Blvd. has opened up a revolutionizing new procedure to the public, tempting skeptic’s keystrokes and fueling the outcry of a silent millions. As everyone cracks their necks, tapping the lids frozen to their eyes from chilled tears as the Dark Master’s song continues to penetrate their ears – we’re all undoubtedly seeking new methods of stress relief.

“With Balzaruk, the demon currently devouring the souls of the whole world’s population, ER admittance for Opioid withdrawal and overdose has skyrocketed. Cases of depression, lethargy, and unhappiness in general – the things that plague the human condition, have been linked to one common denominator. Bear in mind, soul sucking demons can play a part in this, but it all originates in the brain, ergo, the brain is the problem. This logic has been tested and verified by thousands of logicians, and so, we’ve based our medical theory on that, and removal of the brain is indeed a solution to stopping medical problems like addiction and depression.”

“Mr. Doctorguy, can you explain how people would begin such a process?”

“Well, you come in, say you want to a brain removal – and we take you into the back, remove your brain, then repackage it on assembly lines and sell it to the cosmetic industry.”

Naturally, everyone has wondered what is substituted for the brain, which is necessary for replenishing hormones and maintaining prober vital rhythms.
   
“Well, we haven’t thought about that. Once the brain is removed, we roll them back to the family in the waiting room in wheel chairs, and tell them that they will require assistance in day-to-day regulatory functions for a few days, such as in eating or exercise. You can use the wheelchair to move them around, or strings and crosses, kind of like a puppet. After about three days when their bodies adjust to the change, they have enough strength to resume daily activities on their own.”

But the question on everyone’s mind is just how effective has this treatment been? One quick glance in workout studios reveals motionless bodies tumbling over on treadmills, some heads lolled back as arms work like automatic pistons, although clumsily, working pulleys to amount pools of much needed sweat on their backs. Idled cars clutter streets, with the occasional one actually arriving to their destinations, as thousands lay over their steering wheels, with their limbs running freely along the dashboard and sides. One can watch as people’s faces are shoved through the mud by galloping dogs, conversely leading their masters through a tensed tether between them, which had collapsed on their furry backs with cold, paled hands clutching to the handle with an unmoving, iron grip, with the arm flailing in accord to the rhythm of the excited canine.

But we all had one more question on our minds: why were brains being repackaged and sold to cosmetic stores?

“Well, brains are a symbol of intellect, of creativity with their coiled pieces of meat meeting to create two equal lobes. Cosmetically speaking, there’s a lot you can do with a brain – but who knows how they work, so we’ll leave that to some autistic kid with some divinity infused perception who can see through the complexity of nature. Since they’re basically useless, we thought we could make a good buck off of it to pay for our surging drug industry by selling it to cosmetic departments who actually utilize brain matter for a number of cosmetic things, like lipstick, blush, and other things."

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