A Guide On How To Ensure Everyone Misses You After You've Been Kidnapped: 6 Easy Steps To Follow

 There's no doubt about it; we live in a dangerous era. The Bible predicted that liberals and commies (how redundant) would rule the world during the End Times. We see this taking place in our world today like never before. Americans everywhere fear for their lives when stepping outside of their homes, even on short trips to local convenience stores, for fear of these people. So before a hippie pulls you into an alley, suffocates you with a chloroform cloth, and stuffs you into their trunk let's talk about what you have to do to make sure everybody knows you've gone missing!

Step 1. Have rich family/friends

You don't gain national attention without the support of national media. To get that, you need money. Fortunately (if you're a real American) you should have plenty of money, so just sit back and relax while you wait for your face to appear on your kidnapper's TV!

Step 2. Be a female

It really helps if you're a (good looking) female when trying to make people miss you being gone. Have some nice pictures taken every so often just in case something like this happens!

Step 3. Be a kid

If you can't be a female, at least be a kid! Everybody misses children. Anywhere from 12 years to just a few months old, the younger you are the more likely you are to receive attention. However, if you're between the ages of 13-17, it still counts. Just a little bit less.

Step 4. Be Caucasian

See Step 1.

Step 5. Have an interesting case

This one isn't too important, but it does help with gaining attention! Your story doesn't have to be too exciting, just make sure it isn't too boring either. For instance, no one is likely to care if you happened to be kidnapped while you were on your way to the store at 2 o'clock in the morning in your pajamas to buy a few gallons worth of chocolate milk to guzzle down once you got home to watch TV for the rest of the night while all your cats turn you into their personal mattress.

Step 6. Be a Christian

While not really a step to ensuring people miss you after you're kidnapped, it's a guaranteed way to make sure you are located very quickly! When people pray that you'll be found, they're actually sending energy that makes its way to you. If you're an atheist or a member of a bogus religion these energies bounce off! But when you're a Christian the energies build up and stick to your spirit. These help God locate you with his metal-detector while he invisibly traverses our planet from another dimension unseen to us. He then can call the local authorities to come rescue you, assuming it is His will. When they tell you an anonymous tip saved the day, you can say "thank God someone was watching out for me!", and then knowingly wink at the clouds!

There you have it. A six point plan ensuring that everybody misses you in the event you are kidnapped. Remember to use the time immediately after your rescue wisely, because after a short time people will stop caring about you. In the meantime, try not to get killed while you're held captive!