The hour of twilight has befallen us, and we at the FAWX news team would like to extend our deepest apologies for recent donations to Daniel’s Animal Shelter, we were unaware that he was a douche. We do not wish for Daniel to have any degree of financial or moral success.
In other news, animals inhabiting Lakistar’s renowned provincial park, “The Yawning Forest”, have faced increasing mortality rates as sightings of wild life plummets. Cancer befalls more and more animals, as smoking companies had neglected to advise animals, especially fawns, that the effects of their products were applicable to non-human species. Park officials have been faced with decreasing park attendance which is “not only a moral loss in the failing continuity of boring nature walks and camping trips as an element of cohesion in unimaginative family structures” but also a financial one, park manager Dawn Facelit stating “We get almost 100% of our income from selling knock off brands of ice cream at various concession stands. We use our annual proceeds of roughly fifty dollars to set up cool raffle prizes… and other things… to accommodate our guests. We will have to use this to pay for other means to boost interest.” In an effort to increase park attendance, directly correlated with the loss of wild life, robotic versions of the former animals which once inhabited the forest are being manufactured and placed all over it. We are within phase two of this grand scheme to revitalize the forests with a fresh resurgence of critters, although mechanical, and it has been going terribly. Nature lovers report that birds simply scrape across big metal bars they’re attached to on the trees branches, making a loud, abrasive screech instead of a melodic chirp, and pseudo-mammals like deer have wandered into human resorts, spontaneously exploding, injuring and killing hundreds. Wild, cyber wolves have also encountered serious programming malfunctions, going through loop holes in their survival instinct code in that their robotic shell has granted them a perception of being a super mega apex predator, and have begun devouring potential prey [humans] on site.
Park officials have done little to stop this, but a statement was given by the manager until actions are decided upon, and taken. “People of ‘The Yawning Forest’ resort, stay IN your tents until further notice, this should shield you from being lunged at by rabid cyber wolves, or sundered apart by the explosions of malfunctioning robot deer.” Shockingly, reports of body bags, likely containing the corpses of victims mauled by wolves or turned to jell-o by deer explosions, are being hauled off into pickup trucks, rather ambulances. Peculiarly, the siding of these vehicles were painted with big, bold lettering, which has been reported as acknowledging the presence of “Chuck’s Organ Emporium”, a black market dealing in human organs which continues to expand with consecutive catastrophes. When asked about sightings of “Chuck’s Organ Emporiums” trucks, the President (former manager) of “The Yawning Forest” reassured “No, of course I wouldn’t be selling bodies to an organ market instead of returning them to their grieving families merely for considerable profits which would help save this park that is surely going to go bankrupt if no money is achieved.” In the midst of this catastrophe, President Dawn Facelit has enacted forest marshal law, taking tents, RV’s, and so on and so forth, as personal property to better deal with the situation, but more controversial, he has assumed direct control of a convenience store, allowing him a squeezing grasp over the apparent micro nation.
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