Cereal Boxes of Cocaine Infiltrates Stores

Last night, surprised residents of Brimokajakistania, shook the town’s foundation with resounding cries of discontent. Mitch Hardlong, father of two, watched as a chalky dust settled over his son’s cereal bowl, revealing a heavy clump of cocaine which had fallen from a cereal box of “Kool Karma Charms”. According to the “Seventeen Eleventh Hour of Apep” mini-mart, their entire stock of Kool Karma Charms has been replaced with replica boxes filled with a kilo of cocaine – and they are receiving many calls from customers that for breakfast, instead of a hearty bowl of nutritional cereal, which is the lynch pin for pleasing morning time family moments with plenty of heartwarming dialogue, cocaine had instead plopped into their bowls. Thousands deprived of their routine consumption of cereal, had been admitted into the hospital for malnutrition – hundreds more fired and millions of family ties severed. On the other edge of the sword, Cocaine Cannibals have been spotted rampaging across the city, the very lives of the town’s citizens resting between the jaws of these furious fiends, faces dusted with powder as they maraud for body parts, usually after mindlessly murdering hapless victims, simply to sell to an underground organ market to generate an income sufficient to purchase more cocaine. Underground organ markets are currently thriving. However, with an excessive public domain in cocaine supply, people were forced to get creative with its use, without snorting it, as it isdeemed by the national narcotics bureau to be more addictive than “heroin, crack, and prescription painkillers combined”, but the people have proven to be far from the clutches from the perils of drug addiction – instead, this peaceful little town has mastered it in a sort of art form, from being used as a substitute for flour, to an ingenious cosmetic application to hide those pesky blemishes as a powder, cocaine has found a safe, alternative way to supplement society. Currently, the narcotics bureau has decided not to take any action to repossess the narcotic, but instead urges citizens that “it is imperative that all citizens buy new boxes of cereal.” The official statement given by the narcotics bureau state head continues, saying, “The real issue is not that everybody has cocaine. It’s that people all over have been cheated out of their cereal, and cereal is a very important breakfast item. Cereal strengthens family bonds, cures heart disease, stops cancer, and improves worker productivity. It is absolutely necessary if we are to live. On the topic of the cocaine though, we've come to the conclusion that a truck, trafficking drugs, had been mixed up with a Kool Karma Charms one. Happens a lot, actually.”